2003-04-05

Today was Bimberly�s last day. We went to her favorite restaurant for lunch, chatted, reminisced, some of us cried. Then we went back to the office.

You know how I was worked up about jinxing myself? Well, when I got back to work from lunch I got called into my boss� office. And let go. Yup, the corporation is �right-sizing� itself for the merger.

At least I got a free lunch.

Peg was shocked, and I had to console her, which I found amusing. But only because I was in shock. Shock. I packed the box they thoughtfully provided for me along with my separation packet. Like we were breaking up. It seems that though they loved my being at work they were not IN love with me being at work. They needed some time apart. I shouldn�t be upset, it was them, not me.

In addition to the free lunch I got 6 weeks, my vacation, some sort of how to find a job school, and a hat with the company logo on it.

I kind of felt like a failure, a novel feeling for me. It�s not supposed to happen like this, everyone loves me and wants to hang out with me. I�m the cool kid that comes to town and shakes things up. I�m the conforming non-conformist who teaches that individuality can be used to conform. I had the best shoes in the office and I wasn�t afraid to use them to my advantage. To be told that, sorry, we don�t want you anymore was as tragic as donating last years Banana Republic to the homeless. Do they really appreciate it? I ask myself every year. Yes, they deserve it, but will they know to coordinate that shirt with the khakis? I always thought that we should give help on presenting themselves and dressing for success but no one wants to bother with that. Which is why I always donate things that I would want to wear rather than just using the clothing drive as an excuse to get rid of all the travesties that live in my closet.

I called my mother. She is still with Sister although the two of them are wearing thin on the other. Being supportive and loving she said good, I could move back to my Father�s and work for him. Crisis averted she put Sister on the line who told me to move to SF and that Husband would try to get me something. She would love that. I�d be indebted for life. Family sure does help.

It was early. I had nothing to do. So I dropped by the bank and deposited my vacation. And drove into the city. I was empty inside, wavering precariously on the narrowest of ledges that was razor thin. I imagined that from certain angles it looked as if I was poised on thin air. I could go either way, remain standing, trusting myself and my sense of balance or topple off into who knows what depths. The third option is of course to fly up into the air and soar. Okay, that list bit was a touch melodramatic. I probably stole it subconsciously from a Celine Dion song.

I thought some shoes would cheer me up as well as some shopping and so I went to a couple of my favorite places. My father called, to say that Sister had called him and that he would be happy to send me a plane ticket for whenever. Which was nice and pissed me off so much I faked poor cell coverage and hung up on him. It was rush hour on a Friday, I was barely able to breath let alone think. So, I walked through the Metreon sipping a coffee and tried to get my bearings. I got a cheeseburger at the JolleeBee. I gave some Germans directions to the Old Navy. I sat in Yuerba Buena gardens across the SFMoMA and watched the Academy of Art students and dreamed about having their lives.

I then went drinking. And then went to a gay disco where I lost myself in dancing and being unattainable. There is something to be said about physical activity. I looked good, I was slightly drunk, and I let myself be carried away by the beat. The first DJ was incredible, a short Jewish woman with impeccable style that spun a touch too heavy on the drum and bass but it got me going. The next guy was lousy, mainly pop 40 mixes, but the Jewess came back and mixed a whole set of covers that really were incredible. I danced until the club closed and braved the very scary way back to my car, fending off the men trolling around the streets with their fierce stares and casual rubbing. I had to piss out all the Red Bull that kept me going in the last hours but wasn�t about to duck into anyplace or risk exposing any part of myself. I pissed in a bottle in my car. Which is vaguely disgusting. I thought about spending the night at Sister�s, but didn�t feel up to it. I would have to deal with both her and Mother, and I would need a lot more than Red Bull to fortify myself. I almost went to the End Up instead, since they stay open later than anywhere else and I�d never been, but decided against it and drove home.

I was feeling maudlin on the trip homeward, but now that I�m here, I think I�ll sleep all day, convert what funds I have into comfort foods and get addicted to some stories.

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