Vice Monkeys by 

SHAG

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2003-01-23

My Entourage

I decided tonight that rather have a greek chorus, something that everyone is doing these days, that I would prefer a more interesting group of people hanging around me. There is actually nothing wrong with the greek chorus idea, it�s just that�s lots of people have come up with it and it�s everywhere and all. I personally have wanted one since reading Oedipus in the 10th grade. But that is neither here nor there. And rather than have an actual greek chorus pointing out my follows and spouting the babble of this god or that god, I think that I would rather have an entourage. This is, of course, different than the followers. The entourage wouldn�t be traveling to the next plane when the comet comes. No, they just basically follow me around and have me look progressive and cool.

So, for this entourage I�ll need the following:

A drag queen. Preferable older, like Patrick Swazye in To Wong Fu, but with a little less base. No, scratch that. I want more wrinkles and fashion out of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert. And bitchy attitude that just wants to be loved. Having a drag queen saves me from having one of the Parkers. I get the diversity, the minority, and the trash talking sister with a heart of gold that tells it like it is all in one rather interesting package.

A minion. Someone to dress all in black and lurk about, laughs at all my jokes, and jump up to do things. Lanky, long hair a must. Sallowness preferred. This of course would be different than my

Assistant. Professionally dressed blond in a short skirt and a loooong jacket. That�s right. Cell phone perpetually attached to her ear and a palm pilot imbedded in her hand as she gets us our reservations, alerts (phantom) people to our whereabouts and keeps everything on schedule, it�s hard having an entourage and a cult at the same time. This of course leads to the hilarity of when she goes on a vacation and everything falls apart. The minion can be in love with her, but only second in his affections. I come first. Not like that. Dirty people.

Lesbian femi-nazi. Just because the spiked hair and cut off cargo pants look is one that I like. She unfortunately will be mute (just mute, as I don�t want the ACLU on my case) but will sign all about the propagation of the male dominated society and such. She�ll of course have to wait in the car when we go to Neimun Marcus because she just refuses to let the cookie recipe urban legend go. The assistant will of course schedule her waxing appointments that will not be kept, a minor thing we all ignore to allow her some rebellion. Mute rebellion.

A tattoo guy, kind of like Jesse on Monster Garage, but not so fey. Yes, I said it. I�d rather have a record store clerk type. Yes, he can wield a blowtorch, but really, he should not be allowed to talk. Anyway, he would double as our bouncer. In fact, we would call him bouncer. Trouble? Take it up with Bouncer. Oh yeah.

An ex Shaolin monk who knows all kinds of cool moves, like removing the water from the glass and, oh, also peoples hearts. This guy would no doubt get all the ladies. They always do.

Corey Feldman. Because he has NO clue whatsoever about anything. And is really stupid. His �official� role will be the celebrity, but actually he�s just the butt of our jokes. Also, it�s fun to leave when he goes to the bathroom, sticking him with the tab. I imagine he would fall for it everytime. Also, we always let him approach Puffy�s people, because we like to tell him that they should totally do a song for his album together. Man, that would just be so cool. Yes, Corey would be built in entertainment.

The rest of the entourage would consist of just generally beautiful people, that flighty follow the money crowd that turns on one at the hint of trouble (or the check arrives).

Look at us, we're beautiful (0)

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Email Entry, Just for Laughs - 2006-01-25
Stupid Names - 2006-01-03
Something quick - 2005-11-18
Updates from Utah - 2005-09-01
Cha-Cha-Changes - 2005-07-07

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